Taking The Next Step

Exciting news!!! I have finally booked a real adventure for the first time in almost a year. I had a mini -okay not so mini- mental breakdown last week. Being in my final year of university I am constantly having a personal crisis with what I will do next year. But quite honestly the question is much deeper than what I will do, it is what will make me happy? What kind of life do I want to live? Where do I want to start? So many people experience this crisis and I know that it’s something I will figure out. Regardless of what I’ll be doing I know it will all work itself out in the end. Unfortunately, I still panic and fear the unknown. How am I supposed to feel comfortable or calm when my whole life thus far has been essentially planned out. Every year for the most part I have known what I will be doing. Now, I have NO idea. I don’t know where I will be. I don’t know what I will be doing. I don’t know for how long anything will last. And that, is scary.

This fear of the unknown has made me struggle to make any moves whatsoever. The unknown has me very still and cautious. I don’t want to take a step in fear that it will be the wrong decision, and a better one will come minutes afterwards and I will regret it. It makes me not want to spend any money in case I think of something more useful for it later. So I haven’t been living, I have just been alive. It is this terrifying feeling where I have just made no decisions or taken any steps. Until I had a full-blown mental breakdown. This non-existent way of living was eating me up inside and I needed to do something. So regardless of the fact that I still don’t know what I’m doing, and that I am broke and terrified and so confused and lost, I spontaneously booked an adventure two weeks from now. I have a week off school so a friend of mine and myself will be road-tripping to St. Paul, Minnesota, flying to Miami, Florida and then taking a cruise to the Bahamas. To some people it may not seem like much, and to others it may seem like too much. To me, it’s an opportunity to un-plug, to get away from myself and my small hometown, to escape the harsh northwestern winter, and to just be present and enjoy every minute. When I broke down, I was so low that I couldn’t even recall the pleasure of travelling — one of my greatest pleasures in life. So hopefully, this will help remind me of who I am, it will remind me to enjoy every day, and to live in the present.

Here’s to life, 

xx

S

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5 thoughts on “Taking The Next Step

  1. I had the exact same problems, and still deal with all of that from time to time. My anxiety stops me from taking any steps whatsoever for fear of doing something wrong–which is crazy, because we both know there is no right or wrong path in life. Anyways, it took a total mental breakdown a couple years ago to finally stop letting that fear get in the way. So I understand how you’re feeling 100%. Any step is better than no step. Have fun on your cruise! I hope it makes you feel better and gives you a chance to clear your mind.

    Liked by 1 person

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